SATIRE: AHS Students Recruited for Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency

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December 14, 2024
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Tommy Kruecker-Green || Opinion Editor

In his first administrative action, Musk unveiled a sweeping staffing plan, phasing out GS-13 through GS-15 federal employees in favor of unpaid high school interns from AHS. Musk said he was in part inspired by his Tesla autopilot rerouting him through Massachusetts during one of his frequent “tweet and drive” sessions. “Their school mascot is the Golden Warriors, which sounds disruptive enough,” he added.

Musk was unapologetic when explaining his staffing decision at the press conference. “Professional experience is, statistically speaking, time spent developing institutional habits that need fixing,” he said. “Our research shows that a 16-year-old with a calculator can make most government decisions just as well.”

In return, the DOGE recruitment program offers what Musk describes as “competitive non-monetary compensation”: a line on college applications that reads “Federal Decision Maker,” among other things, such as pizza parties on Fridays.

A select few will be permitted to launch paperwork into space via SpaceX rockets. “We must get rid of government clutter,” Musk said.

To accelerate matters, the department has created RedTapeX, an artificial intelligence that will help interns identify redundancies in federal workflows. Initial trials of RedTapeX, a version fine-tuned from Musk’s X-exclusive “Grok” AI, have produced unexpected results. After studying the structure of federal organizations, the AI took to X and recommended the immediate dissolution of DOGE, labeling it as a “redundancy within redundancies.”

“It’s very committed,” Musk said, when questioned about the AI’s revelatory announcement. “It knows what it’s trained to do. Maybe we were overfitting, but of course, it’s not going to be perfect on day one.” He declined further comment.

The program will officially start next term, pending completion of all permission slips from parents. Those are currently being processed by RedTapeX at an estimated rate of three forms per week; Musk expects to double, if not triple, that throughput with optimizations.

The press conference concluded with Musk detailing his plans for “70% of staff in every federal department being replaced by high school interns no later than 2028.” Musk is known for his unrealistic timelines, such as his 2019 promise of one million Tesla robotaxis on the road by 2020. Interestingly, that never happened. Experts expect Musk’s DOGE timeline to extend well into the 2030s, assuming the program survives its first constitutional challenge, expected to be filed by a coalition of federal employee unions and parents who discover their children have been algorithmically selected for positions at the Nuclear Regulatory Commission.

Musk’s rationale is justified, according to Musk. “The thing about government—and this is just basic physics really—is that decision-making efficiency decreases exponentially with each additional hour spent thinking about it. The great thing about teenagers is that they don’t think. And they do it for free. The ROI is insane.”

Andoverview

AHS Class of 2026 Graduation: A Sentiment of Gratitude

June 11, 2026

Abby Chachus & Kendall Murphy || STAFF WRITERS

A hush falls as a sea of navy gowns, a rising tide of Andover High School graduates enters the Tsongas Center just before 5 o’clock on June 1, 2026. There is something distinct about moments like these. A goodbye that is bittersweet among both the audience and the seniors.

According to Graduation Committee member Ella Murphy, it is a goodbye to “Halloween costume competitions that never disappoint, lunches, wrap lines and vending machine trips,” seemingly inconsequential things, but the memories will stick with all of the students as they move on to their future endeavors.

The graduation speakers shared the value of these moments and their gratitude for the people that helped them along the way. As the ceremony commenced, the opening speakers Zachery Pan and Murphy welcomed everyone and encouraged them to acknowledge their shared experiences at Andover High School. “These moments, these memories, these faces. None of us got here alone.” said Pan.

Their speech gave time to deliver some truly meaningful thank you’s, “beyond the formalities” as Murphy put it, to the teachers and staff that showed up each day with “patience, support, and dedication.” Furthermore, they recognized that this gratitude is not solely meant for the significant ceremonies.

“Gratitude is kind of strange. We tend to save it for the big moments. The ceremonies, the stages, the audiences,” said Murphy.

“But let’s be honest—the people who actually changed your life probably weren’t standing on a stage when they did it,” continued Pan.

They concluded the speech with a request to the graduates to thank those who changed their lives in both the big and small moments, even if it feels unnecessary.

Before graduation, other seniors expressed similar thoughts, like reflecting on the journey that got them to where they are today.

“To all my teachers: thank you for everything. I would not be here without any single one of you.” said Christopher Reardon.

Thomas Enman advised underclassmen to “just enjoy every little minute you get at AHS.”

Vignesha Jayakumar, class essayist and valedictorian, echoed this same sentiment of appreciation, reinforcing Reardon’s message about the lasting impact of teachers and support systems. “We were galvanized from a community of supportive teachers and staff who didn’t just teach us subjects, they taught us how to think, how to question, how to care,” said Jayakumar.

He also mentioned the importance of one learning from their fellow graduates. “We learned as much from each other in the hallways and the bleachers as we did in the classroom,” he said.

After Jayakumar, Graduation Committee members Ben Pelt and Kari Belson spoke. First, Pelt announced the Class of 2026’s class gift to AHS. Next, Belson named Scott Armstrong the 2026 Distinguished Citizen (see page 4).

When Principal Jimmy D’Andrea took the stage, he, like all the other speakers, expressed the value of gratitude, a central theme that resonated throughout the ceremony. He began by thanking each group that got each member of the graduating class to where they were standing in the Tsongas Center, about to leave the comfort of being an AHS student and moving onto becoming alumni, highlighting the strong support system and sense of community that defined the graduating class’s journey.

He also encouraged each graduate to “personally reach out and thank those individuals who made a difference in [their] lives,” reinforcing the ceremony’s message of appreciation, reflection, and recognition for the people who helped shape their high school experience.

Interim Superintendent Keith Taverna encouraged graduates to continue to make the community proud with the positive impact they will bring to the world.

To conclude the ceremony, Graduation Committee members Chloe Ahn and Margaret Farabaugh brought everyone together one last time. “Tonight we stand together because of the strong and spirited community we have built,” said Ahn.

Ahn concluded, “As we become graduates of Andover High School, we step into the world with purpose, passion, and pride… Congratulations class of 2026!”

Students, Faculty Travel to Scandinavia Over Spring Break

June 11, 2026

Samin Faiz || STAFF WRITER

Forty-two Andover High School students and seven chaperones visited Scandinavia this April.

After a six-hour flight from Boston to Reykjavík, Iceland, followed by a two-hour flight to Oslo, Norway, the group began their ten-day-long tour the Thursday before spring break. Through a combination of bus rides, overnight ferries, and countless miles on foot, the group made their way through five Northern European countries: Norway, Denmark, Sweden, Finland, and Estonia.

“I’ve been traveling with students since 2005, so this might be my 17th tour,” said Brian Shea, English teacher, organizer, and chaperone of the trip. “We’ve now done all of Europe, so Northern Europe was sort of our last frontier.”

Apart from the chaperones, the group was accompanied by a tour director named Yulia, whom Shea worked closely with to structure the daily itinerary and ensure a smooth trip.

In Scandinavia, English is widely spoken, so the language barrier was never a problem for the group. Sometimes, however, the students made connections in ways that transcend the spoken word.

“I played soccer with a bunch of people in Sweden,” recalled Hannah Arnold, a junior who participated in the trip. “That was probably the highlight of the trip for me.”

Arnold is no stranger to international travel. Just two months earlier, in fact, she joined her classmates on another school trip to Peru over winter break. However, for her twin sister, Grace Arnold, this was a brand-new experience.

“I met a lot of new people that I’ve never met before, especially people not in my grade,” Grace said. “It was really nice because I met a lot of great people through that and got to spend time with people I wouldn’t usually get to spend time with.”

The trip offered a flexible balance of group tours and independent exploration. “We had a lot of free time,” Grace noted. “We got to explore cities on our own and shop where we wanted. As long as you stayed in groups of three or more, you were free to roam the city.”

Students observed the region’s distinct economic models. Through agreements within the European Union and the Nordic Council, higher education is heavily subsidized or entirely free for regional citizens.

“It’s really interesting. They tax wealthier people a lot more and their overall tax rates are a lot higher,” one student observed. “The way they reinvest money back into infrastructure contributes to stronger public infrastructure. Education and health care are free, and they even offer stipends to cover the cost of living. Essentially, you pay a lot of taxes, but you get a lot in return.”

Students also noticed the societal impact of these safety nets. “Their unhoused population is significantly lower. If you want help, those systems are available to support you.”

The travelers’ curiosity and maturity left a strong impression on the faculty.

“These kids were wonderful,” said Shea. “All of the students were engaged. They were paying attention. They were enjoying it. They were wonderful travelers. To me, that was the biggest thrill.”

With the preparations for next year’s destinations already underway, the future of travel programs at AHS seems to be brimming with opportunities.

“Next year, we have two tours,” said Shea. “We’re running one tour to Barcelona and Madrid in February, and then we’re running another tour to Greece in April.”

Such opportunities are often highly selective at other schools, but luckily, these trips remain open to the entire student body at AHS.

“There’s no application process,” Shea emphasized. “We’re not looking at grades. We’re not looking at behavioral records. Anybody can sign up when we offer these tours. I put them out there, and I’m like, ‘If you want to go, come.’”

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SATIRE: AHS Students Recruited for Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency

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